I've come to decide what this journal will be for.

For the longest time, most of those closest to me have encouraged me to write. My largest hurdle to this has been fear of rejection.

But every year goes by, and the question is starting to burn brighter.

If never risked, what can be known?

So it's time to risk.

I have several ideas in my head, and the time is coming to try this. The worst thing that can happen is that I gain a solid clarity on my ability, and my financial life really doesn't change.

The best is something that I can barely imagine ... but I want to try.

- J

Just a quick line to let y'all know that I'm still here, and still kicking.

I plan to use this retreat more and more in the coming year for reasons which may hopefully become apparent. I've decided to try some new things in the foreseeable future, and a more private place in good company will be a welcome place to retreat to.

Hope your holidays were wonderful and we'll chat more soon.

- Jer

A certain Satyr keeps nudging me, so I figured to say hello to y'all. :)

Life is good. Hope yours is, too.

*much love*
~ J

Hello, old street. It's good to walk here.

I've pondered on why I've kept this journal, and it always returns to me that it's the journal that I feel safest in posting my thoughts to.

Y'all still home?

- J

Still out here, and still breathing.

Anyone listening?

- J

Gotta love this. :)

Thanks, y'all, for understanding. It's been a day, and finally I'm smiling again.

More from the front later.

- J

My hard drive ate itself last year, and my Publisher database went with it. If you would be so kind and would like a Christmas card, please send me your snail mail addy privately, and I'll hook ya up.

Love y'all!
- J

Sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I've been debating whether to close my main journal and just come here.

For a while, I've felt deeply like a periphery to the family I once had ... like their friends were my friends, and only for that reason ... not because they saw me, but saw my connection to their friend.

How many truly know me, truly see into me? The departue of one from that journal, and their subsequent silence to me, has been an awakening, and not a gentle one.

Inside, I feel brutish and ugly, scarred by the value of currency that I seem to be to many, and it's painful, but I'll deal. I've lived through worse.

- J

Thanks, man.

*hugs*

- J

Proof that cats aren't as graceful as they think they are.

http://www.quiksylverdigital.com/lj/gate.wmv

And don't worry, the kitty was just fine ... just had its pride bruised. :)

- J

I'm too damned nice.

My plans for the weekend went south at the last minute. Again. I need some opinions.

I want to believe that I am a noble spirit. I really try to help others when I can, but I'm in a moral quandry. The reason that I'm here and not helping a brother is that my former roomie is in financial straits, and he has asked Josh and I (both of us being the remaining two-thirds of the J-Cube) for help. The bills were largely paid online, which I was unaware of, and he has past due water and electric bills. While I was there, I chipped in on food and did not pay towards the bills, though I would have if asked. After some discussion, Josh and I have agreed to chip in thirds to assist, effectively killing my bank account for the trip.

Here's my dilemma.

James (the ex-roomie) is asking for me to pay half of the rent for August. He feels that since the complex requires two months's notice to move out, it's fair that I should help for at least two months. Josh gave notice that he would be leaving back in May, and thus is exempt. My new job gave me roughly a week to get moved and settled (hence, the reason for my current financial pinch). Now, I believe in the doing the honorable thing, but here's the hitch:

Ever since I told him that I was going to be moving, he's made no effort to clean the place, while I steam-cleaned the room that I lived in for for 6 days. I cleaned both the guest and main bathrooms, and made the effort to get everything out on time. He says that he's been searching for new roomies, but I never saw one while I was there, and history shows that he has a poor history of cleaning a place. He also spends almost all of his free time on City of Heroes (not kidding here, ask anyone who knows him), with the remaining time being spent with his new boyfriend.

I have no issues with this, but I feel that he is not making a reasonable effort to find a replacement, and that I'm going to end up having to help him because he is not adequately making an effort to find a new roommate. Also, he spent $1300.00 on a *new bed* prior to me being relocated.

A new bed. This just kills me for some reason. This almost maxed out his credit line, and I can't fathom why someone would do this, then have the mild temerity to claim financial strain as if they had no hand in what happened.

I come before you each, my peers, and ask for guidance. I've been in knots since yesterday over this, and wondering what to do. It's been a dark day or two, with close friends suffering tremendous personal losses, and I'm in dire need of some humanity.

- J

There are some changes on the horizon.

A possible change of job, and possible relocation ... and honestly, both are due. I've been unhappy here for some time, and need a change of scenery. I should just try to find the strength to change my environment, but I'm tired of being the strong one. Sometimes, a face lift is just the thing to rejuvenate you on life.

I've been cruising for a while, with no real goal or desire. It's like acting ... but the checks are not stellar, there's no fanfare, and you don't shed the role at the end of the day. I haven't been sleeping well, and maybe this is why ... inside, I know that a change has to be made.

Tonight, though, is about fun ... Blazing Saddles with pals, then north. Garage painting, some gardening, and letting my heart just relax for a while is just the ticket that this hippie needs. One of my roomies is moving on Monday, so there will be more space in the J-Cube ... maybe that will help.

All I have to make it through today.

Yesterday, they laid off some of our claims processors. Automated processing has been perfected, and took its toll in human terms. Some of them were good friends ... how do you tell them that they did nothing wrong, yet are no longer needed? Sometimes, the carnivorous nature of American business just sickens me. As we speak, my employer is training people in Ireland and Canada to do jobs remarkably similar to the one that I currently do.

Another reason that a job change might be good.

Have a great weekend, folks.

- J

Happy 4th to you all, may your freedom mirror your dreams and your aspirations be the air you breathe.

- J